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‘Oh England My Leotard’ is a song written by Peter Brewis and performed by Pamela Stephenson on Not The Nine O’Clock News, the BBC’s alternative comedy show. It was a bastardised version of Them Heavy People with alternative lyrics.

The song is not so much a satire of Kate as a skewering of the record buying public who “only buy my latest hits / because they like my latex tits“.


I was into yin and yang and hatha yoga
Ginseng and caraway seeds and being a non-smoker
My carrot quiches were better than the bought ones
And I was thicker than two short ones
People bought my latest hits
Cos they liked my latex tits
Everyone trying hard
To get inside my leotard

Went to my hairdresser to have a hair-do (hair do-be-do-be-do)
He asked if I knew A La Recherche De Temps Perdus
That’s how I was introduced to Colette, Cocteau and Marcel Proust
Now wholefood cookery is just a sideline

(Shrill ‘La-La-la’ middle eight.)

I went to Cairo and I read the Gnostic
Apocryphon of John in the original Coptic
Korsakoff’s psychosis theories
And the Fibonacci series
Studied acupuncture and the Bible – the Byabubble –
Opened the windows in my mind

‘It’s not your mind, it’s your body they’re into-oo-oo’
My business-manager said.
He said that I need an intellect like I need a
Hole hole in the in the hole in the head

Though I’m an honorary member of Mensa now
I have to try and keep up a pretence somehow
‘Cos you buy my latest hits
Because you like my latex tits
And you’re all trying hard to get inside my
Leotard leotard leotard

Oh England, my leotard
Ooh ooh ooh ooh